Open Minds

I have met people who insist that they have an open mind… they are however a tad defensive…not really receptive to new ideas..


Before we begin

get a Durex Ultra

and a Femidom,

some nonoxyl nine

and make sure that your coil

is firmly in place


First though make sure

that the alarm is switched on,

the barbed wire fence intact

and the hungry Dobermans

have been set loose.


As an added precaution

check the moat for the crocodiles

and together with the IUD

make sure the IEDs are armed.

Can you see the laser mesh?


Have you got the number

for the Sheriff handy?

Shake the mustard spray

to make sure it is full,

check the Derringer.


Now get that phial of Holy Water

the cross, the garlic,

the silver bullets.

Sprinkle a pentagram of salt

all around the house.


Check there is enough

food in the bunker

and that the CBC suits still fit.

Are there enough sterilising tablets?

Check that the water supply is OK


Make sure that the exorcist

Father Jones knows I am coming.

Are the hazel stakes

still sharp enough?



Look under the stairs

and make sure that all

the cupboards are locked.

We don’t want any other

monsters lurking


Is the wrap of Rohypnol

still intact?

What about the strychnine

and the digitalis,

the hammer and the baseball bat?


Check the document the lawyer made

make sure they are on speed-dial

flick through “The Art of War”.

Is the stiletto in your boot

still sharp to the touch?


And when you are ready

check the chain on the door,

the video surveillance

and that all the CCTV cameras

are all on record?


Ok now we are nearly ready

and when I ring the bell

{it will be good for finger prints

which you might use later},

you can say:


“Hi Alan, Welcome!”