Vulcan Jerky-Turkey with Mango, Rice and Corn.

I once had a Bangalore Phall in a restaurant in Gravesend which had me hiccupping for at least a half an hour, I reckon that the Jamaicans can give the Indian sub-continent a run for their money on the arse-burner Richter scale. For this recipe you will need some Dunn’s River Jerk Seasoning. Careful what you wish for….

It is primed with Scotch Bonnet chillies. Please do not get any of it on your fingers and then touch any intimate areas either of yourself or your partner! Wash your hands before pissing. You have been warned! And, if you are prone to what is known in the trade as ring-sting purchase some Aloe infused toilet paper. Exceed the recommended pharmaceutical dosage at your own peril. Correct heat should induce a mild sweat and a slight nose run, more than this and you are either a masochist or a macho dickhead.

You will need for two people:

A jar of Dunn’s River Jerk Seasoning {Note there is variance in burn between jars}

Two ~ 200g lumps of Turkey breast.

Two good size ripe mangoes, semi firm, not over ripe.

A mug of Basmati rice.

A small can of sweetcorn.

Some lemon juice, preferably Sicilian.

Some cane sugar.

Some Aluminium foil.

Set the oven to 180 Celsius.

Take some Aluminium foil, enough to make a watertight parcel around the lump of turkey, be generous. The idea is to wrap the turkey up in a parcel and conserve all the cooking juices in that parcel. Take one sheet of foil and place the turkey lump in the middle. Open the jar of joy and spread one level teaspoon of seasoning on each side of the turkey lump. Go heaped at your own peril. Roll the turkey in the aluminium parcel, flatten the ends over and place in a baking tray. Repeat.

Pop the aluminium wrapped Jerky-Turkey in the oven for 25-30 minutes.

Put the kettle on and boil some water for the rice.

Open the can of sweetcorn, put it in a colander and rinse.

Get two serving plates ready.

Now peel the mangoes. They can be as slippery as a bar of soap in a shower. Once peeled slice them into long big chunks and place decoratively on the serving plates, remembering you need space for the turkey and the rice.

Douse the mangoes with lemon juice until you have a pool of excess juice on the plate. This will offset the jerk and also heighten it. It makes the rice groovier. Now sprinkle some cane sugar over the mangoes a couple of teaspoons for each plate.

Put a sospan {I am Welsh} on and add some boiling water. When it is boiling add the Basmati and corn. Boil the rice for ~12 mins. Drain and rest.

Open the oven get out the jerk parcel of warmth.

Using a slotted spoon make a mound of rice and corn on each plate.

Then gingerly open a jerk parcel, so as not to spill the juices. They are precious! Transfer the turkey. Then pour the juices from the foil over it. It should smell pretty damn good.


Call the wife by pressing the bell. Service!

Oui, chef.

Wash your hands before sitting down!