I have been reflecting upon this whole theme of control on and off today.
One of the benefits of being an autumnal chicken so to speak is that one has had the chance to listen to some truly great music down the years. I’ll wager that anyone who is British and is of roughly the same vintage as me will have some kind of response / reaction to the opening few bars of Blue Monday. What that response will be is individual, but they will not be able to control having some kind of response to it. For me it would be initial memories of the student union at UCL, some of which are more than a little hazy, to understate, also the Camden Palace.
But that is not what I am getting at. I am getting at control freakery and how that control freakery can at times lead to total and utter loss of control. Trying to control so many things, strings, spinning plates, PR releases and my current favourite “the Optics of a situation”, whatever the F. that means. Also remembering which version of a narrative one has told whom. Can end in a car crash. Things can get so convoluted and so complex.
In many ways I am out of control, or rather out of the control of the people that I once knew. I am probably not entirely beyond control, but right now I am out of control. I am no longer under their influence. It is very difficult to influence someone who is not attached to any of the things which you might have to offer. Even more difficult when you can’t have a quite “chat” in the JCR old boy. It is difficult to leverage a phantom, a redacted being because they don’t exist, never have. Any “leverage” would bring them out of the imaginary part of the wave function. Like Navalny to even utter my name would be unwise. What a tangled web and all that…
“Here is my secret: I don’t mind what happens.”
I am a rogue agent, I have gone off the reservation, metaphorically. I am a disgraceful old git living a quiet life in the wild west. It is not allowed, interdit, verboten.
It simply won’t do, don’t you know.
But I am not out of my control, in so far as I can tell, I am broadly in possession of my faculties.
I have been picking up consternation today because I am out of control, a loose cannon or some such made up stuff. There is even mild panic. Bizarre….
“We don’t want him outside the tent pissing in”…or some such…I can almost hear them speaking.
Hey man I am delusional….
check out my new spectacles.