Renunciation, Lunacy, or a Cry for Help?

Although many have found this very hard to believe I did in fact quit a tenured £50k per annum job, without much duress applied, with no job to go to knowing full well that I would not even be able to claim unemployment benefit. This kind of job was highly sought after by many an ambitious person. In the time that I had remaining I did not try to get a job. I sold my flat and got the hell out of dodge.

I was so fucking tired, doing more than one job and trying to get team development courses off the ground.

Nobody really talked to me about my decision. I seem to recall people avoiding me, a bit like a leper. T types and British T types to boot, are not that good with feelings and emotions. They are scared by them; they might lose control.

Being in pastoral care, if I saw mental health mentioned in a note like this {previous post}, I would have taken the protagonist off for a quiet walk / chat in Hyde Park and explored what was going on. I would have suggested some time to reconsider and probed gently what had caused them to take such an apparently drastic move. I would have seen a parallel to a suicide type of note and it would have rung alarm bells for me. I would at least have checked.

The obvious “conclusion” is that I can’t have been overly happy with the ways things were, to understate.

But when you are the geezer that takes care of such things and it is you doing them, people do not know what to do. You can’t just ask Alan to look into it.

At the very minimum this means that I have lost £1mill of income that I might otherwise have had, and it means that things will be financially tight for the rest of my sojourn.

It wasn’t until a number of years later that it occurred to me that this was just one of many renunciations asked of me by the spirit. It is easier for me to frame it this way. I could also frame it as an act of lunacy or a cry for help because I was so dog gone tired, just let me have a break man. The exams are over, I steered that process in addition to my other job.

When I read about Siddhartha leaving the palace in the dead of night, I was struck by the mild analogy. I left the temple of science to wander in the Buckinghamshire country. Only I did not sneak off I just faded away.

It is all so long ago, so far away and yet it seems the ripples continue, even now.