Recapitulating Through My Journals – Temptation

I have just gotten to where I “trashed” my 130,000-euro job and the dream that instigated that process.  One journal was almost entirely full of the meditation thought form building.  The next is full of dreams pertaining to the petty dramas of day-to-day life and hardly any meditation notes.

It is just possible somebody from the space agency contacted my old employers and “had a word about me”. It is a small world.

In the meditation journal it suggested that I am somehow on the line of Avalokiteśvara, there is some flavour of this in me.

In my journal I make the hypothesis that this job with its large salary, kudos and fancy lasers to play with was by way of a temptation for me to turn away from the spiritual and back toward the material. Given that we were in the act of downsizing house to save rent money, it was pretty well timed and well designed. The not accepting the job had a number of knock-on effects in the material world.

Way back somebody told me that my predilection was Dreaming Man of Action. But I started getting loads of 18s and the wife dreamed of me being severed and I did have one very unpleasant energetic experience. Whilst I was recovering from this, moving house in the snow, the shit started to hit the fan on the material plane.

So given that and the tricorn hat dream I started a new hypothesis that I am indeed a three-pronged philosophical nagal who is also a dreamer. I am pretty out there from time to time.

It is not entirely beyond the realms of possibility. I had been trying to live life in a way that someone else suggested.

These themes of temptation run continuously for much of my adult life and by and large I have resisted temptation fairly well, not always I might add, but usually the big ones.

Only eight A4 journals to go and I’ll be up to date.

Interestingly in 2008 I had a vision of living near a river and of the Breton countryside. Oh yeah and a blue, red and black Triskelion, which kind of links across to the three-pronged nagal hypothesis.

Unexpected Events

Some of the things we do have unforeseen consequences, little almost tiny happenstance can precipitate much more than we might ever anticipate. What we think is happening may be completely wrong.

Life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls.

For example, I completely misread a situation. Way back when I used to do personal development courses for Ph.D. students, things used to be fine whilst I was still an academic. After I packed in my job, I no longer had the same gravitas simply because I had renounced something to which many of them were aspiring. The whole basis of my credibility shifted. I was no longer a part of that system and therefore had no power. I was the same person but by change of association my effectiveness was reduced. I had never anticipated this, yet it happened. I was suddenly suspect.

I never imagined that one fine morning out walking I would be “told” that this is my last lifetime ever, here on Earth. What do you do with that kind of shit? Does it make you special? If it is true and you read up on that kind of stuff, there are implications. It means that I no longer have a causal vehicle, so I will not cause a subsequent incarnation. I don’t glow in the dark, there is no halo. I still eat and shit.

Way back when I was involved with a high technology start up my prime motivation was to perhaps raise sufficient money to open a retreat centre in which I would be the vegan chef. I doubt anybody thought this was my motivation, but it was. As it happened, I did organise a number of retreats around the same time. The night we pitched and raised a lot of cash, the others celebrated. I went and picked up a minibus in order to drive a whole bunch of people to deepest darkest Pembrokeshire the next day. So, I went from venture capital office to hippy retreat centre in less than 24 hours. We spoke suited and booted to representatives of Rothschild and Weinstock one day, the next day I was organising the meal rota, smoking roll ups in my tatty track suit bottoms.

Theun asked me did I think we raised the five million, I said probably, yes. His face was a picture, he had not seen that one coming.

I was convinced that my future lay with the Toltec teachings as a leader of a largely sixth ray group, they would not follow my lead, there was infighting and a power struggle, so I left. At the time I did not realize that I was an Elephant and not a Wolf. Then I started having flashbacks and visual overlays of my two Buddhist incarnations, feeling om mane padme hum tattooed in Sanskrit on your forearms is a bit odd, feeling a monk overlay walking on Brixton high street is weird. What does one do with that kind of shit? Well one largely keeps it a secret. Nobody prepared me for this kind of thing.

Unless there is yet another strange quirk of fate, some other unexpected event, I will probably eke out the rest of my life as a retired Welsh geezer on a small stipend, gardening and doing DIY. That is what it looks like this morning.

But you never really know, life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls.

I Remember Atlantis

I’ll wager that if I said this to most modern-day scientists, they would not believe me, they might think me delusional or that I am simply taking the piss.

Comparing the Encyclopaedia Britannica and Wiki, one {wiki} asserts that Atlantis is fictional the other couches its language and uses probably. I think the assertion is off one cannot know anything a priori and without some level of doubt.

If I went further and said that I remember the flying ships of Atlantis, many might begin to mock, though the description previous is a bit like a Harrier jump jet not yet invented at the turn of the nineteenth century.

It is OK for people to believe in God but not for people to believe in Atlantis. One can go to church and say that one is going to abide by the rules of the house and then behave hypocritically by stealing and shagging around. But to believe in Atlantis is a heinous act of idiocy especially for a trained Chemical Physicist.

Last time I looked there were thousands of people associated in some way with the Arcane school. They have at least a partial willingness to accept the notion of Atlantis and Lemuria, perhaps to believe without believing.

A lot of modern thought stems from Plato and yet the weird old Greek is talking about a “fictional” island. People don’t like the notion so have convinced themselves that it was a metaphor or an instructional device. None of them have ever met Plato so they could be transferring their opinion and way of thinking on to him. Nobody has asked his opinion and motive.

As I began today with my hypothesis.

The difficulty of accepting some thing is inversely proportional to the level of inconvenience it brings.

For many “learned” people it is next to impossible to accept the notion of Atlantis because no proof has yet been found. But get this, it is still socially acceptable to believe in God for whom there is no six sigma instrumentally measured proof either.

If as a part of my religion, my belief set, I believe in Atlantis, and you mock me what are you doing? Are you being WOKE? Are you being judgmental?

The deluge story is widespread. If you were a leader on Atlantis and it was starting to break up and sink, where would you lead your people to? Where would the risk of inundation be the smallest?

It would be somewhere land locked and high like Tibet and Bhutan. So maybe this is where all the ancient records got taken.

“Back in the old days on Atlantis when the rule of the initiate Kings was coming under threat from the dark and wayward brothers, the priesthood kept a look out amongst the education system for children, boys who showed early signs of psychic ability. The school would tell the priesthood of any candidates and an assessor emissary would be dispatched. If the boy passed the tests he was removed from the school and sent to the special training unit. If he excelled, he was trained at an accelerated pace to undertake psychic warfare with the wayward. He was trained in the art of blending in and camouflage. He was trained to psychically lasso wayward brothers and in particular wayward nagal beings. He was trained as an assassin. After capture of a wayward powerful being he would then lead them to the place where they would be locked up for a very long time. These “prisons” were built out of a material which prevented the psychic emanations of the wayward wreaking havoc. Many of these trainees were “lost” in the line of duty. On occasion these trainees would pass into a branch of the priesthood called the Sons of the Dragon.”

I remember Atlantis.

Difficulty Accepting

Each morning we hear on the UK news some stuff about whether “Freedom Day” will go ahead or not. The number of cases in the UK per day are now roughly similar to those in France. The numbers in the UK are on the up, the numbers in France are on the down.

As I add each new data point from the UK to my fit, the quality of fit to a simple exponential growth gets better and better, the R squared is now above 0.74. It currently seems to me that there is a kind of inevitability, the growth in cases is getting “more” exponential, day by day. It is possible that certain people will have difficulty accepting this, if indeed it is the case.

When exactly does one act in the case of an exponential growth?

The UK vaccine minister read Chemical Engineering so at least he should be familiar with kinetics and exponents, not so those who read classics or PPE. That is the thing about exponential growth, it grows exponentially. There is no change in gradient it just looks shallow, slow, depending on how you set the axes on the graph.

This points at another theme in which people have real trouble accepting anything which is inconvenient. The willingness to accept is almost inversely proportional to the inconvenience. The more inconvenient something is the smaller the willingness to accept it.

The second world war is full of examples of this, the annexation of the Sudeten Land, the attack on Pearl Harbour.

There is this complacency thing. The big and powerful are nearly always more prone to complacency. The USA even after Pearl Harbour did not imagine the attack on the World Trade Center.

We were discussing how pandemic preparedness, currently a hot topic, will start to fade from the minds of politicians as they seek to curry favour of the electorate with their future fiscal spending plans. It will drop down the priority list in the fullness of time.

I remember the start of AIDS, that to an extent fell off the radar.

It seems people don’t wish to learn inconvenient lessons. They have difficulty accepting anything which might curtail those things which they want to do, even if there is a risk.

Yah, I think this is it. I’ll make a hypothesis and it is quite a firm one:

The difficulty of accepting some thing is inversely proportional to the level of inconvenience it brings.

Just look at climate change, we all kind of know it is happening, but we cannot yet, in truth, be arsed to do anything much about it!

The Dangers of Hype and Bragging

When uncle Boris started talking about an irrevocable exit from pandemic, I thought to myself “that is a pretty stupid thing to say. Talk about setting potentially unrealistic expectations.”

Now people are talking about Freedom Day. Oh dear.

Unless you have worked extensively with non-linear equations it is really easy to misunderstand. Most people have linear only thinking.

Back when things started to kick off in the USA, I started doing a naïve, no assumption modelling of the incoming data. A simple exponential fit predicted very well the initial and fast ramp up in case numbers.

I have had a little play with the most recent UK case numbers.

This ultra-naïve model which does not as yet fit very well predicts over 7000 cases a day in a couple of weeks, rising reasonably quickly to over ten thousand.

The so-called irrevocability is very much in the balance…

Talking About People Behind Their Back

If a significant number of people talk about someone behind their back is that a form of bullying?

Is gossiping about someone a form of bullying?

If plans are laid for someone without their input or consent is that a form of bullying?

If the people doing the talking behind the back are powerful does that make it bullying or problem solving?

It is easy to kid oneself that WE are solving a problem caused by IT.

{Let us circle the wagons so as to keep out that pesky Apache. After all we have Winchester rifles, and he only has a bow and arrow.}

If there is a power imbalance does this make the “problem solving” more or less like bullying?

Are the health problems of the creature being discussed important?

If they are ill and the talking about continues does that make it more like bullying and less like problem solving?

Do people like to talk about sick beings?

What if there is no problem to solve and it is all some justification made up to mitigate the unpleasantness afoot, to make it seem less dodgy?

Ears are burning, jungle drums are being pounded, the grapevine is all lit up.

S*** S*** D******** D**!

Risk Adjusted Life Expectancy 62.23 years…

– otherwise, it is about 82 according to an internet-based calculator. I am currently 56.75 years old.

We have just been up to town for the wife to pick up her glasses. As is common the length of arm decreases with age. I sat in the car waiting outside the vampire shop, where they do blood tests. I saw a continuous stream of white-haired people pop into the shop to pick up their results. The life expectancy in France is one of the highest but I am an import so to speak. People around here are not so prone to hair dyeing as they are say in Surrey. It is OK to be grey or white. The average physique is small and wiry built for stamina as opposed to front row rugby forward. By colouring I blend by physique less so.

I was contemplating that if everything stays as it is, I will be making two to three visits a year to the vampire shop, just like the others. It is my local one. The doctors here like their lab work done on a regular basis. I got to wondering how many visits I have left. In a few years’ time would there be another man in a right-hand drive car watching me go in and pick up my results? If I follow Harry, my maternal grandfather, I’ll keep a splash of darkness in my hair until clog popping time comes along. I am not following my own father as I still have hair.

{That reminds me I need to remind the G.P. about the carcinoembryonic antigen test next time we visit.}

I sat there and in the ~ 40 minutes wait I saw seven non Brittany registered cars drive by. Looks like the anti-plague migration is still happening we are down to 56 cases per 100,000 now. That means that there is a 0.056 per cent chance of meeting an infected person in a naïve reckoning. I don’t meet many at all so the risk of covid mortality is low as we live in isolation. Vaccinate or not? I am still pretty ambivalent.

I have no plans to do anything other than garden, DIY, blog, cook, go for walkies etc. So, it looks very much that everything will stay the same and I will be joining the vampire shop visitors list for the foreseeable future. How many visits left is an unanswerable question.


Unconscious Decisions

Yesterday we saw another snake whilst out walking on a coastal path. It crossed the path reasonably quickly about three metres from us. It wasn’t a grass snake, and I made the unconscious decision to move swiftly in the opposite direction. It was a bit too big to be a viper but could have been. When one has lived in Australia and Zambia, there is an innate tendency to treat snakes with respect. Why we are getting so many snakes, I don’t know but the occurrence is up there.

After the sighting I walked around deliberately making noise, stamping my feet, as I have been taught to do, so as to warn any snake of our presence.

It also got me thinking about other types of unconscious decisions. In my case some of these are values based. Way back when there was a research assessment exercise on, there was talk in the department about getting rid of those who were deemed to be underperforming. This kind of talk about colleagues shocked me, that people could even think it. It started me on an unconscious decision-making process. I was either on the list of people to be rid of or close to it. At the time I was single, and the decision process was “if somebody has to go it would be better if it is me because I have fewer needs than others”. I doubt than anyone else even suspected that I was thinking along these lines. The climate that enables one to think of axing a colleague to artificially improve the standing in an exercise is an anathema to me. It shone a new and unpleasant light, nasty. This thought form was a part of my decision to resign. I would let others off the hook by going.  

But it was not the full motive. In one sense I knew that I simply had to go. I had things to experience which I could not have experienced whilst in a full time and demanding job. It was a feeling of necessity and not a conscious considered, pros and cons, decision. It was perhaps an unconscious yet intuition-based choice. I was sensing something which was in store for me and making space for it to happen. What that thing was I had no clue of. But sure enough in January of 2007 I had a dream which said that I MUST find the Great White Lodge.

How we ended up here had unconscious elements too. The decision to move was mostly made in the middle of a bagpipe parade and in a Breton festival at Tréguier at night. I felt at home. We drove through Tréguier yesterday and water from Le Jaudy, in our garden, meets the sea there. What builds up to a decision are many micro events. In this case I felt that there was no place for me in the United Kingdom, specifically in England. We found this house the very last day of our house hunting expedition, out of the blue, the estate agent contacted us. She had just returned from holiday. The house was at the top of our wish list, and we had written it off because nobody had gotten back to us. It was perhaps a sign. Sometimes just when you think nothing is working, it happens, a synchronicity, just when you least expect it.

Hmnn… Why all these snakes?

What is Normal for You?

For many, I imagine, the idea of having a good old chin wag and a gossip is normal and even socially acceptable. Very little thought is given to it. People spread the “goss” on others and take some salacious pleasure if there are any juicy morsels therein. Without doubt there is some enhancement or elaboration as the morsel passes between vectors.

In my former profession gossip was rife. In fact, a form of gossip called “measures of esteem” was used as a metric for career progression. I have joked that the collective noun for a group of academics is a “gossip” of academics. Reputation, as impermanent as it is, is an “important” thing in the academy. Decision making is not quite as rational as it may be deemed, especially when it comes to the allocation of money. Reputation can be built or destroyed by the swish of a tongue. It is part and parcel of a way of life, it is “normal”. Any organism has internal politics.

Few would consider gossip as a an entirely toxic poison because what would there be left to talk about without gossip. Of course, it is only other people who spread and listen to gossip. WE are having an intelligent conversation. It is very easy to kid oneself and find justifications for any behaviour which one wants to indulge in.

It is normal to gossip, isn’t it? So that makes it OK.  People can have some very dodgy motives.

I think I have mentioned that on a number of occasions I have had people gossip about me, to me, without their realising who I was. This is weird to experience, the temptation to say “please, tell me more” was strong.

Is it normal to use the internet to stalk another being, perhaps an ex?

If everybody is doing it, is it really OK?

I’ll make a hypothesis.

As a rule of thumb people are not honest with themselves about their motives and they use justifications to obfuscate and mitigate said motives, so as to kid themselves. People are not self-aware.

Is this normal behaviour? What do you think? Is it an accurate hypothesis?

I suspect that this hypothesis applies to groups of people as well as individuals.

I want to ask a question:

Have you ever used the cloaks of normality and social acceptability to indulge is something that is dodgy?

The reason that this is flagged up today for me is that people on the telly are banging on about wanting to get back to normal post-pandemic. The pandemic isn’t over yet, and I am not so sure that normal is any good any way.