Maybe a road trip?

I am getting very frustrated with the way things are being done here…

Ten fucking days for a pathology report!! That is how it is, for fucks sake.

She may die in the meantine, bof it is ZE sytem. Zat is how it works!!

There is nothing we/I can do,

Well there is you can tell those motherfuckers it is urgent!!

Each day you do fuck all, she is closer to dying, that is reality!!

I have a microsope here. I could do it quicker.

Seriously….if you want…

Maybe time to pay, to do this swiss thing…

Take it out of the slow leviathan system, here.

This is shit!!!

I am perhaps about to go on a warpath, unless,

Come to Brittany they said, set up a new business, create new jobs,


Fucking unimpressed.

I will tak to my pals at the BBC

This is so fucking shit that I am having problems believing it,

Bienvenue Alan!

We are so welcoming and inclusive

If you can’t get your shit together I am on the phone to Switzerland tomorrow,

I am not a happy bunny


This Is Seriously Shit

I have been lying awake in bed and the conclusion that I have come to is that the way we / I have been treated is shit, seriously shit bordering on the incompetent and negligent perhaps based in a we know best arrogance.

The wife is really ill. And no doctor, I ommitted an anglo saxon present particple, has spoken with me for more than a few minutes in the last ten days. It was only when we suggested that we might “buy” a Swiss scan that they got their arses in gear.

This is shit, really shit. An advanced society?

The French have a habit of talking amongst themsleves but they forget that the “foreigners” are not privy to their warm “sympa” conversations…

She is only dying… bof…. she is not one of us. We might get around to it after we have had lunch….FFS

I am not a happy bunny right now.

It is four o’clock in the morning. I feel totally and utterly excluded from the conversations as to life important discussions for and about my wife.

It stinks… it is really really shit.

WTF planet are these dudes on?

How Do We Manage Alan, What Shall We Do With Him?

If you want, you can have numerous meetings amongst yourselves and try to develop a strategy of containment. You can ask those whom he might contact to be on your side and ask them for intelligence. You can pitch it in whichever manipulative way you seek. He will never know your machinations. It is all in his best interests after all as he is clearly unwell. We have his best interests at heart, if you even know what heart means.

What a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive…

You dudes, your moral compass is intact… bof!

I suggest that you look back into the manual of precedents so as to prepare your thorough justifications on that basis…

Tonight, I am mightily unimpressed.

Although there is good reason to explain, not one of the medics here has had a real conversation about possibilities. They have all bottled it. This thing where the French keep it “entre nous” is bad and not inclusive. In fact, it is shit.

We know best….

I am wondering if I need to ask the “do you need a new arsehole question” soon.

Unimpressed at the drip feed of information.

Just because all we eat is roast beef it does not make us stupid…

Perhaps a tad bellicose…


ResearchGate Does Not want To Give Me an Account

Well, I have not heard back from ResearchGate presumably because I am not institutionalised…

Their logic does not seem to accept people without an institutional email.

I guess you must be locked up in an institution in order to be a researcher…

Maybe I will have to send them my publication list…

I am not sure that I can be arsed…


Difficult Times Psychologically

The wife is having a nap on the sofa in the next room. It has been a very trying few weeks, particularly for her. We are still waiting for the biopsy result and the unknown is pretty worrying. I am a bit more hard-headed, and it is not me who had the biopsy taken.

The balance between taking things seriously, not putting the head in the sand and not catastrophising is not easily struck. I am pretty calm. It is not nice watching someone go through this.

In my case the biopsy did not show any signs of cancer, the surgeon wanted another look via colonoscopy. I said to him measure twice cut once and sure enough that is what he did. They had a good image down the endoscope and the biopsy of the removed section of colon was indeed found to have a T3 cancer. I am due another joy filled laxative laden colonoscopy in December. Happy Christmas and all that.

There is a sensation of calm before the storm. In that there may well be a flurry of activity upcoming, soonish.

I am wondering if these breakthrough events that I seem to be having are just a side effect of becoming an old git…one of those things that nobody tells you about.


Six Wild Ducks!, a Tax Return and More Odd Dreams

This morning as I opened the volets and put the kettle on, I looked down to the bridge over Le Jaudy and there were not one or two but six wild ducks! I checked with the binoculars and there are four boys and two girls. Some of them maybe from last years hatching. There was not much light but here is an image taken from our kitchen window at the limit of the telephoto.

Now that we are moving into autumn we will be treated to more groovy light and “smoke on the water” on the pond, which might feature here in due course. Also, the morning chorus from the birds has started to ramp back up, it dies off a bit during summer.

When I have finished this I will do my French tax return. I got a reminder letter yesterday and have 30 days in which to act.

During the night I had a gatling gun set of high velocity dreams.

In one of these I am in a dormitory at Oxford University in one of the colleges. In the morning two students dressed in medieval style costume come into the room. They do a snippet of a play and then hold up the words of a song, which they proceed to sing trying to get myself and the others to sing. It goes down like a lead balloon.

I have various others.

Then I pick up a triangulation between three Oxford chemistry academics two male and one female Prof C. I looked her up and it seems that she has been awarded a major honour.

Then just before waking I am in an office with an English civil service type person, possibly intelligence related. He is conducting an in-depth vetting interview on me. He has a huge form and we are step by step filling in the boxes.

When I awake, I think shit not more of the vetting / secret squirrel type of thing.

Must dash the tax return is beckoning enticingly…

Difficult to Accept?

I have a hunch that many people have a real problem accepting things, circumstances, which differ from how, in their opinion, they should or ought to be.

This is another way of saying that people can have a problem with reality.

In the previous post I have outlined our near complete social isolation. It does not compute for many.  Outside of supermarkets and tradesmen, since July 2019 I have spoken with two people face to face on a social basis once, two people on a tax basis once and one man and his dog once.

In Autumn 2019 I interacted with various medical profession people.

I haven’t had any Skype / Zoom action in months.

This is reality.

If I had managed to keep my job and not get sacked for under-performing, I would be earning around £70 k a year. This is assuming that I would not have gotten promoted. If I had become a big cheese, which looked mucho unlikely, I would have a monthly salary in excess of my current yearly income.

It looked like I would have been taken off the research scale and made teaching only. People wanted to massage the RAE input.

Why is that so difficult to accept? For me it is not. Shit happens, man.

Because the wife speaks better French, I hardly have to talk with anyone.

I have merci, bonne journée and au revoir off to pat.

Tomorrow we will do “click and collect”, I will problem solve on the gate and maybe the Peugeot. We will not talk or interact with another soul until Monday afternoon, when a nice lady will stick needles in our arms.

On Tuesday morning we will “click and collect” again.

And in all likelihood, this is how things will pan out for the ensuing months / years.

Why is this so difficult to accept?

It is mundane reality…

Just like this…


Etymology from Wikipedia

The term nirvana in the soteriological sense of “blown out, extinguished” state of liberation does not appear in the Vedas nor in the Upanishads; according to Collins, “the Buddhists seem to have been the first to call it nirvana.” This may have been deliberate use of words in early Buddhism, suggests Collins, since Atman and Brahman were described in Vedic texts and Upanishads with the imagery of fire, as something good, desirable and liberating. Collins says the word nirvāṇa is from the verbal root “blow” in the form of past participle vāna “blown”, prefixed with the preverb nis meaning “out”. Hence the original meaning of the word is “blown out, extinguished”. (Sandhi changes the sounds: the v of vāna causes nis to become nir, and then the r of nir causes retroflexion of the following n: nis+vāna > nirvāṇa). However the Buddhist meaning of nirvana also has other interpretations.

L. S. Cousins said that in popular usage nirvana was “the goal of Buddhist discipline,… the final removal of the disturbing mental elements which obstruct a peaceful and clear state of mind, together with a state of awakening from the mental sleep which they induce.


Nirvāṇa (/nɪərˈvɑːnə/ neer-VAH-nə, /-ˈvænə/ -⁠VAN-ə, /nɜːr-/ nur-; Sanskrit: निर्वाण nirvāṇa ; Pali: nibbāna; Prakrit: ṇivvāṇa; literally, “blown out”, as in an oil lamp) is a concept in Indian religions (Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism, and Sikhism) that represents the ultimate state of soteriological release, the liberation from repeated rebirth in saṃsāra.

In Indian religions, nirvana is synonymous with moksha and mukti. All Indian religions assert it to be a state of perfect quietude, freedom, highest happiness as well as the liberation from or ending of samsara, the repeating cycle of birth, life and death. However, non-Buddhist and Buddhist traditions describe these terms for liberation differently. In Hindu philosophy, it is the union of or the realization of the identity of Atman with Brahman, depending on the Hindu tradition.  In Jainism, nirvana is also the soteriological goal, representing the release of a soul from karmic bondage and samsara. In the Buddhist context, nirvana refers to realization of non-self and emptiness, marking the end of rebirth by stilling the fires that keep the process of rebirth going.



Nirvana (nibbana) literally means “blowing out” or “quenching”. It is the most used as well as the earliest term to describe the soteriological goal in Buddhism: release from the cycle of rebirth (saṃsāra). Nirvana is part of the Third Truth on “cessation of dukkha” in the Four Noble Truths doctrine of Buddhism. It is the goal of the Noble Eightfold Path.

The Buddha is believed in the Buddhist scholastic tradition to have realized two types of nirvana, one at enlightenment, and another at his death. The first is called sopadhishesa-nirvana (nirvana with a remainder), the second parinirvana or anupadhishesa-nirvana (nirvana without remainder, or final nirvana).

In the Buddhist tradition, nirvana is described as the extinguishing of the fires that cause rebirths and associated suffering. The Buddhist texts identify these three “three fires” or “three poisons” as raga (greed, sensuality), dvesha (aversion, hate) and avidyā or moha (ignorance, delusion).

The state of nirvana is also described in Buddhism as cessation of all afflictions, cessation of all actions, cessation of rebirths and suffering that are a consequence of afflictions and actions. Liberation is described as identical to anatta (anatman, non-self, lack of any self). In Buddhism, liberation is achieved when all things and beings are understood to be with no Self. Nirvana is also described as identical to achieving sunyata (emptiness), where there is no essence or fundamental nature in anything, and everything is empty.

In time, with the development of Buddhist doctrine, other interpretations were given, such as being an unconditioned state, a fire going out for lack of fuel, abandoning weaving (vana) together of life after life, and the elimination of desire. However, Buddhist texts have asserted since ancient times that nirvana is more than “destruction of desire”, it is “the object of the knowledge” of the Buddhist path.

From the Urban Dictionary


1. A term used in Hinduism, the native religion of India and third largest religion in the world behind Christianity and Islam. Hinduists believe that a person reincarnates until they achieve an understanding of the relationship between God(known by Bhrama or Atman) and man. The state at which this is achieved is known as nirvana, and person who has achieved this is known as a guru. It is believed that once nirvana is achieved, a person will achieve the aftelife, rather than reincarnating.

2. A term used by Buddhists to describe the ultimate state of enlightment in which the soul is free from all worldly possessions. Derived from the Hinduist phrase.

3. A state of total bliss or happiness.

4. A popular rock band of the same name from the late 80s and early 90s featuring Kurt Cobain (1967-1994)

“He no longer saw the face of his friend Siddhartha, instead he saw

other faces, many, a long sequence, a flowing river of faces, of

hundreds, of thousands, which all came and disappeared, and yet all

seemed to be there simultaneously, which all constantly changed and

renewed themselves, and which were still all Siddhartha.” – From Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha

From Esoteric Psychology II – Chapter I – The Egoic Ray – Rules for Inducing Soul Control

IV. Rules for Inducing Soul Control

In considering the rules which can induce soul control, it is not my intention to recapitulate the many rules which the aspirant must follow as he perseveres in his endeavor to tread the path to the source – that path to what the Buddhists call Nirvana. This Path is, in fact, but the beginning of that higher Way which leads to a life incomprehensible, even to the most developed of the Beings in our planetary Hierarchy. Nor is it essential that we emphasize the details of living which must control the man who is seeking to function as a soul in command of the personality. These have oft been adequately outlined by disciples down the ages, and reduced to many words. They have also been dealt with in my earlier book A Treatise on White Magic and other books. Our immediate problem is the application of these rules for discipleship and a steady progress in their practical technique. My present purpose is a far more difficult one, for this Treatise is written for the future more than for present students. I seek to indicate the basic rules determining the hierarchical government, and conditioning, therefore, world affairs. We are here concerned therefore with the subtle activities of energies which, on the inner side, actuate the outer activities and bring about those events in the world of men which later form history.


From Esoteric Psychology II – Chapter I – The Egoic Ray – Rules for Inducing Soul Control

With these two divine trends (towards synthesis and towards the vision) the Hierarchy is at this time primarily occupied. Their watchwords are unification and sight. For humanity, these developments will produce the integration of the soul and the personality, and the awakening of that inner vision which will permit a flash of the Reality to enter into man’s consciousness. This is not a flash of his own divinity, or a sensing of God as Creator. It is a flash of the divinity inherent in the Whole, as it works out a vaster scheme of evolutionary process than any hitherto grasped or sensed by the keenest minds on earth. It concerns the vision granted when a man achieves Nirvana, and enters upon the first stage of that endless Path which leads towards a beauty, comprehension and unfoldment, untouched as yet by the highest type of human insight.

It would be well to point out here that beyond the stage of illumination, as it can be achieved by man, lies that which we might call the unfoldment of divine Insight. We have, therefore, the following unfoldments and possible developments, each of which constitutes an expansion in consciousness, and each of which admits man more closely and more definitely into the heart and mind of God.

Instinct – Intellect –  Intuition – Illumination: All of them leading up to Insight.

In these words, sequentially presented, there is perhaps made clearer to us the fact of God’s own vision. More is not possible until each of those words signifies something practical in our own inner experience.

This quality of the inner vision with which the Hierarchy are seeking to work and to develop in the souls of men (it would be of use to ponder on this last phrase, as it presents an aspect of hierarchical endeavor not hitherto considered in occult books) is an expression of the Principle of Continuance, which finds its distorted reflection in the word so often used by disciples: Endurance. This principle of continuance constitutes the capacity of God to persist and “to remain.” It is an attribute of the cosmic Ray of Love as are all the principles which we are now considering in connection with these soul rules or factors – these trends of divinity and these tendencies of the divine life. Let us not forget that all the seven rays are subrays of the cosmic Ray of Love. We shall, therefore, see why these principles are determining soul activities, and can only come into play when the kingdom of God, or of souls, begins to materialize on earth.

This principle of continuance is based upon the clearer vision of Deity and upon the consequent continuity of God’s plan and purpose which results when the objective is clearly seen by Him and developed in plain and formulated outline. It is the macrocosmic correspondence to the continuance and the continuity found in man when – after a night of sleep and of unconsciousness – he proceeds with his daily avocation and consciously resumes his planned activities.

From the hints given above it will be seen how the work of the Hierarchy in connection with mankind falls into two parts: the work with individual human beings, in order to awaken them to soul consciousness, and then the work with them, as souls, so that (functioning then on soul levels and as conscious units in the kingdom of God) they can begin to vision the objective of God Himself. This second division of Their effort is only now becoming possible on a wide scale, as men begin to respond to the trend towards synthesis, and to react to the divine principle of coherence, so that (stimulated by their group relation) they can unitedly sense the vision and react to the principle of continuance. A hint is here given as to the true and future purpose of group meditation. More on this subject is not possible.


From Initiation, Human and Solar – Glossary N-Q

Nirmanakaya Those perfected beings who renounce Nirvana (the highest state of spiritual bliss) and choose a life of self-sacrifice, becoming members of that invisible host which ever protects humanity within karmic limits.


From Discipleship in the New Age I – The Six Stages of Discipleship – Part IX

Stage VI – The Chela within the Master’s Heart

We arrive now at a consideration of the last of the six stages of discipleship. This was described by me in the following terms:

“The stage where the disciple is in close touch always; he is being definitely prepared for immediate initiation or having taken initiation – is given specialized work. At this stage he is described as a Chela within his Master’s Heart.”

One thing I would here emphasize as I seek to give some light upon this subject. Being within the Master’s Heart in no way indicates a love-relationship between Master and disciple. The normal reaction is that at last the disciple has merited the right to be truly loved and, therefore, to be truly close to the Master. His life or lives of service have brought him at last the reward; he has now free access to the Master in the closest possible and mutual relationship of loving understanding. This stage of discipleship has absolutely no reference to this at all.

For another thing, brother of mine, when the disciple reaches this stage he is no longer what you understand by an accepted disciple. He is an initiate of high standing and of elevated degree and has passed out of the supervision and the safeguarding of a Master into a direct relation with the Master of all the Masters, the Christ, who is the central point in the Hierarchy, just as the Master is the central point in an ashram. The Master is the heart of his group and the Christ is the heart of the Hierarchy. The closer one gets to realization, the clearer becomes the concept that the point at the center and the periphery are one.

The significance of the word “heart” is the significance of life itself, as it beats eternally at the very heart of the universe. Within that life, the initiate now consciously stands, realizing himself not so much as being a recipient of life, but as a distributor of life. This is a very different thing and holds the key to this stage of discipleship.

The “Master’s Heart” is a technical term, indicating the sources of life and many analogous interpretations. There is at this stage and after a certain major initiation, a direct line of energy or of life – sensed, recognized, active and utilized – between the conscious disciple and

  1. The disciple’s heart center.
  2. The heart center in the head.
  3. The egoic lotus, which (until the fourth initiation) is the heart center of the monadic life.
  4. The Master at the center of his group.
  5. The Christ, the heart center of the Hierarchy.
  6. The life of the Monad which begins to make itself felt at the third initiation.
  7. The Lord of Life himself, the heart center of Shamballa.

The line of relationship then extends from these onward and outward, and upward (spherically considered) to the Life at the very center of our Earth’s “alter ego,” the planet Venus, to Jupiter and thence to the solar Lord himself and on to a point in the Sun, Sirius. You can see, therefore, how different this stage is from what might be imagined. It is one which marks a new departure or beginning and a great transition. It is a stage which one enters through the open door of Nirvana, the beginning of the Path of the Higher Evolution. It is a stage which marks a specific location (if such an inappropriate word can be used) of the disciple upon that upward Way which is revealed by the lighted Way; it is the attainment of the innermost point of realization, called esoterically “within the heart.”


This from A Treatise on Cosmic Fire – Section Two – Division F – The Law of Attraction

The Three Vestures. – “The stream is crossed. Tis true thou hast a right to Dharmakaya vesture; but Sambhogakaya is greater than a Nirvani, and greater still is a Nirmanakaya – the Buddha of Compassion.” – Voice of the Silence, p. 97.

“The three Buddhic bodies or forms are styled: Nirmanakaya, Sambhogakaya, Dharmakaya.

The first is that ethereal form which one would assume when leaving his physical he would appear in his astral body – having in addition all the knowledge of an Adept. The Bodhisattva develops it in himself as he proceeds on the path. Having reached the goal and refused its fruition, he remains on earth, as an Adept; and when he dies, instead of going into Nirvana, he remains in that glorious body he has woven for himself, invisible to uninitiated mankind, to watch over and protect it.

Sambhogakaya is the same, but with the additional luster of three perfections, one of which is entire obliteration of all earthly concerns.

The Dharmakaya body is that of complete Buddha, i.e, no body at all, but an ideal breath; consciousness merged in the universal consciousness, or soul devoid of every attribute. Once a Dharmakaya, an Adept or Buddha leaves behind every possible relation with, or thought for, this earth. Thus to be enabled to help humanity, an Adept who has won the right to Nirvana, ‘renounces the Dharmakaya body’ in mystic parlance; keeps, of the Sambhogakaya, only the great and complete knowledge, and remains in his Nirmanakaya. The esoteric school teaches that Gautama, Buddha with several of his Arhats, is such a Nirmanakaya, higher than whom, on account of his great renunciation and sacrifice for mankind, there is none known.”

– Voice of the Silence, p. 98.


The Rays and the Initiations – Part Two – Section One – The Aspirant and the Mysteries of Initiation

There has been much emphasis upon the life of the soul and its expression upon the physical plane; this has been necessary and a part of the evolutionary development of the human consciousness. The kingdom of souls must eventually give place to the rule of the spirit; the energy of the Hierarchy must become a force, receptive to the energy of Shamballa, just as the force of humanity has to become receptive to the energy of the kingdom of souls. Today all three processes are going on simultaneously, though the receptivity of the Hierarchy to the second aspect of the Shamballa energy is only now beginning to be recognizable. The Hierarchy has for long been receptive to the third or creative aspect of the Shamballa energy, and – at some very distant period – it will be responsive to the first aspect of that same energy. The triple nature of the divine manifestation must also express itself as a duality. This can be understood in a faint way when the disciple realizes that (after the third initiation) he too must learn to function as a duality – Monad (spirit) and form (matter) – in direct rapport with the consciousness aspect, the mediating soul being absorbed into both of these two aspects of divine expression, but not functioning itself as a middle factor. When this has been achieved, the true nature of Nirvana will be comprehended, the beginning of that endless Way which leads to the One; this is the Way whereon duality is resolved into unity, the Way that Members of the Hierarchy are seeking to tread and for which They are preparing.

From Esoteric Psychology II – Chapter I – The Egoic Ray – The Growth of Soul Influence

When the work under the first category is accomplished upon the physical plane and its technique is understood, man can then achieve escape from the physical body in full, waking continuity of consciousness. When a similar work has taken place on the higher plane and the “bridge” is satisfactorily built, then the “initiate” can escape from the limitations of form life and enter into that state of consciousness called Nirvana, by the Buddhist. This high state of being has to be entered also in full continuity of consciousness. Both these major crises in the life of the soul, – one leading to physical incarnation and one producing the liberation of the soul from that condition, – are, and must always be, the result of group vibration, of group impulse, group incentive and group impetus. One impetus originates in the group of souls, of which an incarnating ego is an integral part; the other is the result of the activity of the groups of atoms which are vibrating in response to (but not in unison with) that egoic impulse. In this phrase is summed up the work and opportunity of the soul, for it works towards the regeneration of matter and not towards the consummation of its own salvation. It might be stated that the liberation of the soul or ego comes about when its work of salvaging matter (through utilizing it and building it into forms) has been carried forward to a desired point. It is not primarily due to the attainment of a certain spiritual stature by the man and the demonstration of certain spiritual qualities. This desired stature and these spiritual qualities are manifested when the vehicles have been “occultly saved”, and matter has thus been transformed, transmuted and symbolically “raised up into heaven”. When the vehicles vibrate in unison with the soul, then is liberation achieved.


Note added by me.

If I understand it correctly the causal vehicle is destroyed or “blown out” at the fourth initiation and this if not accompanied by the vacation of the physical vehicle corresponds to sopadhishesa-nirvana or nirvana with remainder.

Ghurkha – Caduceus Dream 13-03-2011

I am somehow going around town spraying foam on people. I walk with others, and this is for their protection.

I go into a shop. It is old and wooden there. A Ghurkha dressed in a kilt is there, he is talking with the shopkeeper.  I tell him that my dad used to work with the 7th army, specifically he was assigned to the Seventh Ghurkha Regiment.

I note the golden medal he is wearing. On it are a golden Caduceus and an image of a swastika. {the correct non-Nazi way round}. He had not seen the swastika before and is a little upset. I explain that I have a golden caduceus too. It is not with me today as it is being examined by another of his kind who is also looking at my Father’s will.

In real life my physical plane father did indeed work with Ghurkhas in the Malayan Emergency and as I have just found out 7th Gurkha Rifles was there at the same time.  He was given a Kukri by the Ghurkhas as a gift of honour. I remember it well. He was Second Lieutenant acting Captain in REME during his national service.

Because they believed in fate, he said that they had absolutely no fear and did crazy stuff full of courage. I did not know of the number of Ghurkha regiments until 10 minutes ago.